Eyes

I peered into the full length black mirror that stood in the middle of my hallway, staring into my bright, ocean-blue eyes. Eyes that held youth and meaning and thoughts from inside. 

Eyes that held truth. 

They say the first things you notice about a person are their eyes. Most people take this as a literal element; one's eyes are blue or brown or green or grey. But if you look deeper inside them, you can see more than physical mechanisms. You can see emotions and honesty and significance. Everything that everyone is afraid to show. 

Looking into my own eyes, I see nothing but memories. Some memories I value, others I want to forget. Some are old and hazy and take a bit of pondering and exploring to remember correctly. Some are fresh and clearer than the sky outside. 

I grabbed my phone from the top of my dresser and moved to the pictures. In a split second memories from all over flooded my mind and clouded my eyes. 

Playing in the snow last winter. 

Taking that trip to Spain a few summers ago and falling into the pool. 

Going to that Halloween party a few years back and having the police show up because of noise complaints. 

Christmas morning. 

All of these memories are significant. If they weren't I wouldn't remember them as vividly as I do. They are the memories that will be forever cherished and thought of. They cannot be wiped from my mind. 

But they also cannot be relived. 

Most people know that memories are a thing of the past and while they are good to look back on and laugh about, some get too caught up in the lives they used to live. 

Living in the past can tear you apart, as nothing can ever be the same. No matter how many times it is repeated. 

I am pulled out of my reverie by my mother's voice drifting up the stairs. I am pulled back through time from my past to the present and find myself staring into the mirror at the same blue eyes and same blonde hair I've had since the day I popped into this earth. The same small frame and oval face. 

Some things never grow old. 

Her

I couldn't remember when she left. Maybe it was a year ago, or two. Maybe even three. I didn't know. Maybe it was only yesterday, or last week. Who knows?

I stared into the mirror, drinking in my reflection. My eyes were red and puffy. My cheeks still held black streaks from the mascara I didn't wash off. I blinked and caught sight of my blue eyes, blue eyes that were once bright and full of life. Now they were dull and full of nothing but corruption. 

Even though it had been I don't know how long, I still couldn't get past what happened. It's hard to just forget someone as quickly as you met them. It's hard to move on from something you held so dearly in your life. Especially if that something held your very existence. 

No one can live without their heart, or their brain or any of their other organs. We need these things to survive. We need these things to live. 

I couldn't remember her anymore. The only thing I could remember was her innocence. How she had no idea what was going on, no clue how corrupted and polluted the world really was. How her little mind was stress free and the biggest problem she ever faced was choosing an ice cream flavour. I missed her. 

But now she's gone. No matter how far I cast my mind back I still couldn't remember the day I woke up and realised she was gone. The day I woke up and realised I was gone. 

I looked back at the mirror, searching my eyes for any sign of her. I didn't know why. It was pointless. She'd never appeared before, so why would she come back now? 

I continued to look at the mirror, not even looking at myself anymore. I was looking through the mirror, as if she would just pop out at me. But I knew she wouldn't. She was gone. 

And she was never coming back to me. 

How had I let her slip through my fingers? How could I have let my childhood go? I wanted back my days of naïveté. I wanted back my days of misunderstanding and confusion. I wanted my five year old self back. I wanted it all back. 

But I knew I would never get it back. 

Now I no longer disregarded complicated situations that I didn't understand. Because I understood it all. 

And it poisoned my intellect and contaminated my mind. 

My childhood was gone. And there was no getting her back.