Three Thirty-Seven

Ring ring.
I groggily open my eyes to the sound of my phone buzzing. I threw a glance to my window, the darkness still pouring in, the light from the street lamps barely illuminating my boxed room.
I reached for my phone, squinting at the time it read.
Three thirty-seven in the morning.
I slid my thumb across the screen, clearing my throat as I said, 'Hello?'
My answer was a series of sobs and I immediately perked up. 'Robyn? What's wrong? Why are you crying?' A lump caught in my throat at the sounds of my best friend in pain.
'I'm sorry,' she cried. 'I'm so sorry, but I can't do it anymore. I tried, I really did-'
I cut her off, my own tears threatening to fall. We'd been through this ritual before; time and time again. 'What have you done...'
But this time, I knew, was different.
'I can't stop,' Robyn sniffled and my heart cracked. 'I've done it so many times. A couple more and I'll bleed out-'
'No,' my voice shook as I whispered to her. 'You will not leave me. Do you hear me?' I could feel my voice begin to raise as I remembered my sleeping family, dreaming quietly while I convinced my best friend not to end her life.
'There's blood everywhere, Rebecca. I don't know what to do. I want to do it, and I tried.' My eyes blurred once again as I took in her words, but I kept my voice strong. I had to be strong.
For her.
'Listen to me now. If you do this, I will never forgive you. Think about the people you're leaving behind. Your parents, your little sister!'
'Me,' I whispered, my hands shaking uncontrollably as memories of the past came flooding back; the blood, the blade, and the tears flowing down her face as I held her in my arms on the floor of her room.
'I just don't want to do this anymore. I can't.' Her sobbing voice brought me back to reality and this time I couldn't help the tears that poured from my eyes, or the sobs that I could no longer choke down.
'Why, Robyn? Why would you do this? How could you leave me?' I brought my hand to my mouth, attempting with all my might to stifle my strangled sobs as I remembered the scars that crawled up her wrists, the fresh ones still crusted with crimson blood that I had wipe away.
'This isn't easy!' Robyn screamed, her cries becoming heavier until it was all I could do not to burst out of my skin.
'You have so many people who love you! You have your whole life ahead of you, you have time for things to get better!'
Her sobs became quieter and she was silent.
 'Life just isn't worth living anymore. Nobody would care if I died.' Her voice became louder and my heart twisted at her gut-wrenching words.
Nobody would care...
My heart pounded as my anger blazed, my body shaking severely. 'Listen here and listen good. Everyone would care if you died. Think about the people you're leaving behind! And the future we'd planned together? Our double-dates and dorm-room parties? Our matching tattoos and Golden Retriever puppies? Are you going to throw that all away and leave me?'
My voice cracked then and I broke down. I had been strong for too long and the thought of her leaving me clawed its way up through me, reaching out and choking my heart. My cries of pain became louder.
Robyn became silent for a while and I worried slightly, pondering if she'd be cruel enough to slit her wrists while I sat helplessly on the other end of the line.
'You're right,' she eventually whispered ad I released a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.
'I love you too, Rebecca. You're my best friend and you've been with me through all of this. You are the reason I'm still here and I couldn't leave you.'
Her words sparked something in me and I smiled slightly, despite the pain and the anxiety. I smiled despite the waking up every morning and wondering if I'd see her that day, and I smiled despite every horrific event I'd ever witnessed. I smiled even though the images and the memories of her scars still haunt me, still flash before my eyes and cause my heart to pound.
'So, did you finish the math homework?' I relaxed as she laughed softly. 'Don't even remind me.'

Dreams

The cool Autumn breeze blows my hair into my face, my eyes now shielded by a chestnut bird's nest that resides atop my head. I brush the mop out of my way and adjust the lens of the camera so it focuses exactly on the Robin Redbreast I'd been watching for the past hour. I press down on the shutter button and catch the bird just before it flies off into the distance, giving me a beautiful motion shot of the Robin's ascent into the trees. Definitely a keeper!

I stand up from my crouch position on the leafy ground and walk towards a huddle of trees that lie before the lake. The sun is shining beautifully between them, brightening the whole scene. I change the scene mode from IntelligentAuto to Scenery to capture the moment perfectly. I perch myself down on a fallen tree trunk to level up with the trees and and the sun. I press down on the shutter button. 

Click!

I stand up and walk around the tree trunk, hearing the leaves crunch beneath my size three feet that just about fit into my walking boots. I see sap collecting into a puddle on top of the bark of the tree, probably having dropped from the trees above it. I smell the rain from the previous night, the bright green blades of grass covered in morning dew, and the earthy smell of the fir trees that stand in abundance.  

How could anyone want to destroy such a place?

I take one final look at my safe haven, one final breath of the fresh, inborn air, and one final listen to the sound of nature and what she has created. 

I bring up my camera for the last time, taking a deep breath, determined to make this one the best one. 

"One for the road," I mutter to myself. 

I am about to click the shutter button for the last time when I stop. Stop everything. 

I slowly turn around, keeping my head down at all times. 

"Miss me?" The voice is light and joyful and I find my head yanking itself up without my permission. 

"Mum..." My voice comes out in barely a whisper and I can feel the tears threatening to fall from my stormy blue eyes-the ones I inherited from her. 

I can't hold it back any longer. I let the tears flow freely and run to her, longing for the warmth and safety her hugs bring, the soothing calmness her voice delivers to anyone in need of reassurance. 

I fling my arms around her and bury my head in her chest, trying to absorb the moment while it lasts, because now I know that things don't last forever. 

"Shhh, love. It's ok. Everything's fine." Her voice is sweeter than sugar and softer than a sheepskin coat. 

"No!" I cried. "Everything's not fine! Not since you left. I want you to come back...please come back!" My salty tears ran down my face and into my mouth. This is how it always went. The same thing over and over again. 

Never ending nightmare. 

"Mama, please." I whisper, not trusting my voice one bit. 

"You know I can't do that, love. You know you can't bring back the dead." She kisses my forehead and strokes my hair. 

"I love you," she whispers. 

"I love you too, Mama." I sigh in content happy to see her once more. 

Suddenly an ear piercing sound screeches through the air. The same sound every time.

"MUM!" I scream as she is ripped away from me. 

I leap up from my bed, panting and sweating with the dream still haunting my mind. Every night the dreams plague me. I can't get rid of them! Ever since she died...

I flop back in my bed, too tired to try and figure out what the dream meant this time. 

Eyes

I peered into the full length black mirror that stood in the middle of my hallway, staring into my bright, ocean-blue eyes. Eyes that held youth and meaning and thoughts from inside. 

Eyes that held truth. 

They say the first things you notice about a person are their eyes. Most people take this as a literal element; one's eyes are blue or brown or green or grey. But if you look deeper inside them, you can see more than physical mechanisms. You can see emotions and honesty and significance. Everything that everyone is afraid to show. 

Looking into my own eyes, I see nothing but memories. Some memories I value, others I want to forget. Some are old and hazy and take a bit of pondering and exploring to remember correctly. Some are fresh and clearer than the sky outside. 

I grabbed my phone from the top of my dresser and moved to the pictures. In a split second memories from all over flooded my mind and clouded my eyes. 

Playing in the snow last winter. 

Taking that trip to Spain a few summers ago and falling into the pool. 

Going to that Halloween party a few years back and having the police show up because of noise complaints. 

Christmas morning. 

All of these memories are significant. If they weren't I wouldn't remember them as vividly as I do. They are the memories that will be forever cherished and thought of. They cannot be wiped from my mind. 

But they also cannot be relived. 

Most people know that memories are a thing of the past and while they are good to look back on and laugh about, some get too caught up in the lives they used to live. 

Living in the past can tear you apart, as nothing can ever be the same. No matter how many times it is repeated. 

I am pulled out of my reverie by my mother's voice drifting up the stairs. I am pulled back through time from my past to the present and find myself staring into the mirror at the same blue eyes and same blonde hair I've had since the day I popped into this earth. The same small frame and oval face. 

Some things never grow old. 

Her

I couldn't remember when she left. Maybe it was a year ago, or two. Maybe even three. I didn't know. Maybe it was only yesterday, or last week. Who knows?

I stared into the mirror, drinking in my reflection. My eyes were red and puffy. My cheeks still held black streaks from the mascara I didn't wash off. I blinked and caught sight of my blue eyes, blue eyes that were once bright and full of life. Now they were dull and full of nothing but corruption. 

Even though it had been I don't know how long, I still couldn't get past what happened. It's hard to just forget someone as quickly as you met them. It's hard to move on from something you held so dearly in your life. Especially if that something held your very existence. 

No one can live without their heart, or their brain or any of their other organs. We need these things to survive. We need these things to live. 

I couldn't remember her anymore. The only thing I could remember was her innocence. How she had no idea what was going on, no clue how corrupted and polluted the world really was. How her little mind was stress free and the biggest problem she ever faced was choosing an ice cream flavour. I missed her. 

But now she's gone. No matter how far I cast my mind back I still couldn't remember the day I woke up and realised she was gone. The day I woke up and realised I was gone. 

I looked back at the mirror, searching my eyes for any sign of her. I didn't know why. It was pointless. She'd never appeared before, so why would she come back now? 

I continued to look at the mirror, not even looking at myself anymore. I was looking through the mirror, as if she would just pop out at me. But I knew she wouldn't. She was gone. 

And she was never coming back to me. 

How had I let her slip through my fingers? How could I have let my childhood go? I wanted back my days of naïveté. I wanted back my days of misunderstanding and confusion. I wanted my five year old self back. I wanted it all back. 

But I knew I would never get it back. 

Now I no longer disregarded complicated situations that I didn't understand. Because I understood it all. 

And it poisoned my intellect and contaminated my mind. 

My childhood was gone. And there was no getting her back.